I'm sorry to sound like a whiney, self righteous, stay at home mom

but I have a bone to pick with Parade magazine and anyone else who wants to whine about so called "affordable, quality childcare." Did anyone else read this article on Sunday and feel that this term, or the goal of such, is a complete paradox? The story is that there is a new need in this country to provide, presumably from the government since that seems to be the way of things these days, all star child care that people can afford. Oh, so I, unlike everyone else in America, am one of the lucky few who can "afford" to take care of my child? I don't think so.

You cannot subcontract the care of children and expect that it will be affordable AND high quality. You must choose: Either you stay home with your kids, which involves all sorts of sacrifices and risks for a woman's career and is not at all "affordable;" or you pay dearly for someone who MIGHT teach your kids all of the things that you would in a given day, MIGHT feel sorry for the kid instead of herself while cleaning up poop and throw up, MIGHT like them but probably won't love them the way you do, and MIGHT decide to give up if it is too hard or you aren't paying him or her enough. That sounds risky too.

I think this might be the one industry where the employees have more control over their employers; people who need someone to watch their kids are a dime a dozen. Finding someone who will do it, and do it as well as you would for said dime is a lot harder. I shared my thoughts with Adam and he responded, "Yeah, you know, I really need to find an affordable Ferrari." Affordable Ferraris don't exist because the scope of quality (apparently...I wouldn't in fact know-this is Adam's testimony, not mine) isn't compatible with a low price. Affordable, quality childcare is like seeking an affordable CEO, or healthcare for that matter. They don't exist-correct me if I am wrong, but I will probably be inclined to think you are just fooling yourself.

Frankly, I am kind of insulted by this debate. I understand that there are a lot or people who must work and must place their children in daycare-I am not attacking people who do not have a choice. But for people who DO make the choice, to assume that you shouldn't have to give up on either quality or price for raising your freaking kids!!!! is ignorant, insulting to the people who do make the sacrifice one way or the other, and really really unfair to the children who are the subject of this debate.

Most of you know I have aspirations outside my home and that I struggle sometimes with how badly I still want to go to more school, work a little bit and progress intellectually. So stuff like this that undermines what I do everyday and argues that we should make it a national priority to easily AND cheaply outsource being a mother just bugs the hell out of me. Why, it makes me feel like a Detroit auto worker! Seriously though. I know I am doing the right thing for my children-but it is really hard for me sometimes. I love it. I know it is in their best interest. But it is not something that just comes naturally, easily, affordably or otherwise to me...that is not a pat on my own back; I am just enunciating why this article bugs me.

A few months ago I was at the dental clinic. One of the primary attendants that came to check off my treatment began to make small talk with me, asking me what I do and blah blah. I told her I stay home with my two year old son to which she replied, "Oh that is so lucky that that works out for you to do that. I wish I could." Lucky? Excuse me? Does going into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt sound like it was just a lucky circumstance? Does giving up my own aspirations for the time being sound lucky? It's not just dumb luck or fortunate happenstance my friend. And it doesn't just work and fit into a neat little box. My husband and I make it work. And it is NOT affordable. So hopefully it is high quality. That remains to be seen. I won't jump right into putting myself in the Ferrari class of mothers. Not yet anyway. Let's be honest, probably not ever.

The one problem with the Grocery Game

is that I have way too many treats in my house right now: They all go on sale at the same time in some sort of conspiracy, and the Grocery Grandma (that's what Adam so lovingly calls her) puts them on the "list" and tells me which coupon to use...and freak. What am I supposed to do? So, FYI these mixed with these equal fantastic-and I wouldn't really know that unless the Grocery Grandma had told me to buy two packs of M&Ms because they were on sale AND I had a coupon for an additional 1.00 off! Oh, the things you learn. I like to justify it by saying that I need them to teach Eli his colors...he now just asks for a "yewow" or "wed" one and obviously I know what he is talking about-that's how bad it is.

Also, and this has nothing to do with the Grocery Game but is nevertheless an awesome treat: Mix these with cup of this melted with a package of these . Make little cookies balls and freeze them and tell me if you can go a day without eating one. I can't. I totally heart the Grocery Grandma.

Boys

I will be brief: I do love being one of the boys. I like doing boy things like hiking, cliff jumping, riding motorcycles and what not. I do. But I am not going to lie, after three 8-hour drives with all boys-teenage boys-I have had enough wiener talk, burping, farting and burning things to last me a lifetime. Unfortunately, these things are innate, rather than learned, behaviors. Case and point: Last night as Adam was getting Eli ready for a bath, the kid smirked and said while pointing (correctly, I might add,) "wiener! bum!...ha ha ha!" Seriously, how does he know to think that is funny yet? Adam said it was his proudest moment thus far as a father.

PS Did you know that burping and farting into a canyon that creates an extremely powerful echo NEVER gets old? You would think after three days, it would cease to hold all of the appeal...oh no.

The neglect ends with the end of the excitement

Is it not true that as your life becomes more interesting and full, your blog does the opposite? We have been non stop partying for the past three weeks. And gratefully, now that Adam's dental boards are over, we are a happy, functioning family again-which is more than a lot of people can say. So I am glad.

We have sojourned from here to St. George, to Provo, to Atlanta, ID (population 45 people), back to Alpine, down to Lake Powell, back up to Alpine and finally back to California. I think I did every fun thing I love to do over this glorious summer break-from sitting in the great wide open sipping on a DDP, to climbing up cliffs by foot and motorcycle and/or jumping off them. Furthermore, my son is now old enough to enjoy not only the things (not necessarily the specific aforementioned-yet,)I do, but the people I love too. He always has a few hard days adjusting to twenty people suddenly wanting to be his best friend. But now that we are back, he is very irritated that I am the only one here- and that I have other things to do besides entertain him fourteen hours a day. These are a few of my favorite things from the trip, and just in general:


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"I cute."

Nothing aggravates me more than when Eli pulls my headbands out of my drawer and stretches them over his fat head...ok, actually that is a lie. A lot of things do. This is just fresh on my mind. Adam and I were finishing dinner last night when Eli ran in with ALL of them stretched over his head and announced, "I cute." Yes, Eli. Yes you are. And then he tried to pull a Jordi La Forge look, which personally, I didn't find nearly as attractive as the rainbow of useless, stretched out headbands.



In addition to being coordinated enough to stretch elastic over his head, he has also demonstrated a propensity for making towers stand far longer than a spectator might imagine. You can tell how proud he is. Maybe he will be an engineer or something.

This was nice:

Dear Ashley,

I was so sad for you last week when you announced your decision. It was obvious to everyone that your heart was broken. For most of the week, I was angry for you--mad that you had to make a choice that didn't feel right. However, after my indignation passed, I had to admit that you had wise counsel. My own experience was similar to your plans; My husband was in law school while I was in grad school. We hardly saw each other and were financially troubled. It was a rough time for our marriage, and I can't recommend that path to anyone. I can't imagine the added stress of raising a child.

I'm not sure if knowing my experience will help or hinder your healing process, but I thought it was important for someone to acknowledge your sacrifice and tell you that you've made the right decision. Every time we give up something for our family, it feels like a little of our identity dies, right? It might feel like that now, but I promise you that your family will be stronger because of your choice. I hope that knowing that makes this pill easier to swallow. You are an articulate and intelligent woman, and the time will come when those gifts will be used. Don't give up your dreams.

This letter was from a friend of mine, one from whom I would not have expected to receive exactly what I needed to hear. I am still sad. But I am not angry...so that's good.

An Eli post

These are an old series of pictures that Adam took which I thought most clearly captured Eli's attitude toward...well, mostly just his attitude. I love them because you can just tell exactly what kind of kid he is. They confirm my suspicions that if he knew how to flip me off every time I go to take a picture, he would.

I had also forgotten to post Eli's first, and very hilarious, sentence. Adam recently became concerned that Eli's favorite stuffed animal, a worn out dog that must be washed weekly because my son insists on sucking and chewing on its eyes and face, was a hazard. Specifically, he worried that Eli would crack a tooth (to say nothing of choking) whilst committing this disgusting practice every time he went to bed. So I was compelled to cut the eyes of the beloved dog out. I gave it to him for his nap, eagerly anticipating his reaction to the change. He moved to grab the eyes and direct them to his mouth, at which point his jaw dropped and he exclaimed, "Uh oh! Help! No eyes!"

And then, last night he went to the bathroom on the toilet for the first time. I was clapping for him and telling him how cool that was and he looked up at us and nodded saying, "Nice." I think that is a result of all of the basketball we have been watching; anytime anyone does something cool, and the crowd cheers, a "nice" usually follows from either my or Adam's mouth.

And speaking of basketball and funny comments, I will go ahead and tell you how funny Adam is too: While watching the last two rounds of the semifinals and coveting the shoulders of those by the name of Dwight Howard and Lebron James, Adam confessed that if it were possible to transplant the arms and shoulders of either Dwight Howard or Karl Malone, he would gladly live with a white body and black arms. Go Magic!