Friday, June 8, 2012

I sure earn my breaks around here

Did I just drown my sorrows in a Hot n Ready Little Caesars pizza, crazy bread and a very large Diet Coke? Yes, yes I did. But the coke was caffeine free because I want to go to sleep tonight--let's not get TOO wild here. Tonight was supposed to be my little personal party anyway since it is the most highly anticipated night of the year for a mom of two wild boys...wait for it: Father and sons campout!! Times like these make having only boys so awesome. So I was planning to indulge at the pool with a superficial magazine and some red licorice anyway, but then Eli REALLY made me deserve it, so much so that the pizza and crazy bread got included in my party too. I honestly don't even want to discuss what he did. But let's just say it involved bodily functions deliberately smeared on carpet/wall/dresser/air vent (and who knows what else I missed); and it turned my anticipated happy waves and kisses goodbye into a furious disposition summed up nicely by the phrase "hurry up and get the **** out of here before something really bad happens." Let's also just say that if an all boys campout was not already planned, Eli would have been sent camping. Alone. Without a sleeping bag. So that was lucky. And it was also lucky that I was already planning on borrowing a carpet cleaner tomorrow. And it was even luckier that when I got in the car to go pick up the aforementioned indulgences, my few favorite country songs happened to be playing, most notably "Where the green grass grows." That song always makes me happy and carefree. And then I think it was more than luck that while I was trying to mindlessly drive, and just forget, that I instead started wondering what in the world to do with this kid who struggles so much with bewildering, wildly unpredictable naughty choices, how I am ever going to get through to this kid, get him through his formative years in life and help him figure out how to listen to the conscience I KNOW he has somewhere, wondering if it is possible for him to avoid any of the painful consequences he will certainly incur from making impulsive, impetuous, DUMB decisions...all of this is going through my head and I suddenly had a fleeting vision of the day I would send my son on a mission. And how glorious and awful it will be. And I burst into tears and thought "Really? Will we get there?" And I think Heavenly Father told me we would. Or at least that we could. And I was like "Are you sure???" And then I felt sure. Tender mercy I was not necessarily looking for. I was planning to just marinate in madness until they return tomorrow. But I think the better answer is to forget and move on, repeat as needed. I think that is the answer for just about every day with Eli--forget and move on because there will be something new tomorrow and accumulating frustration helps no one. For all of the things Eli puts me through, I know he is a good kid deep down. He is just learning how to show deep affection and, sometimes even, sorrow for the wacky things he does. Not all of the time, but that is new and good. I know he is capable of so much. He is funny and fun and wild and crazy. But he is smart and sweet and I just haven't quite figured out the best way to help him channel the strengths he has that I know can help him overcome his weaknesses. I am sure that is the universal struggle of every parent--basically, how do I make my kid learn, and more importantly decide, to be the best he can be and rise to his potential? I know it is not unique. But it feels burdensome and heavy to me right now. So I am grateful for every tiny little reassurance I can get that reinforces the idea that he will be fine. I am a little sick from licorice and pizza and coke. But now I am going to go take a bath and watch something stupid like "Pregnant in Heels" or the like. Don't tell, but I actually love that show. And sleep in until, like, 8am! And then go on a walk and borrow the carpet cleaner. Because now the carpets really need to be cleaned. Forget and move on, repeat.


Heidi said...

Ah, yes. I know this rant very well. I should just record it and hit "play" when something happens so I don't have to get so worked up every time.

Enjoy your treats, and your bath, and your SLEEPING IN! Hang in there.

lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lauren said...

Maybe I love the fact that you mentioned "Pregnant in Heels" because I, too, kind of really love that show.

Sorry that Eli is so tough. But what a sweet boy he is. And you're just the kind of mom he needs.

Enjoy your break... it's well deserved.

AshleyS said...

smutty magazine and red licorice by the pool...why are we not neighbors anymore? ugh. on another note, i'm sorry for your crazy day but so glad you got a night alone. very well deserved. and don't get me started on sons going on missions, it's the most bitter sweet part of being a mom to a little boy, i think.

Ashley_Cameron said...

Just listen to one of my favorite "baby" songs. It'll help

3WimmerBoys said...

ok so i know i haven't checked your blog in forever, i haven't checked anyone's blog to be honest. Christie told me I HAD to read this post, and she was right. I guess we all have to have a Sam, Eli, Mason-just to keep us on our toes and keep life interesting. I know I am supposed to learn many things from it, but it doesn't help in the moment of the frustration! I never thought Sam had a conscience, but slowly, so slowly, I am starting to see glimpses of it. He is still my only kid who I can yell at at the top of my lungs and two seconds later he is off playing happily. Really? Can 't you even pretend to care? Feel a little remorse?