To work or not to work?

Wow. Look at those rapidly expanding cheeks. This was the day of our first outing to the pool and a great excuse to dress him up in too big swim shorts and this darling little safari hat (thanks again Susan.)

Adam and I went to meet with a financial aid advisor when we were in California last week. I guess I just assumed that we would calculate all of our expenses, work out a budget and then tell the university, or whoever it is that is going to lend us a bunch of money for the next four years (or more), how much we need and they would just give it to us! Well, those of you who know me may recognize in this presumption my tendency to often oversimplify. Its more like they tell us how much money we can have; and if we have a child and I want to stay home and raise him, then we may just have to become incredibly independently wealthy in the next eight weeks...anyway, needless to say, it is a little bit more complicated than I want it to be, and therefore makes feeling like I can stay at home with Eli not completely comfortable.
I have never closed the door on going back to work- and I think I would actually enjoy working part time. But two months has now gone by and I still feel like we are just getting to know each other and we aren't quite ready to have other things to attend to besides each other yet. I have read for months about moms who battle this ever present internal conflict about whether to work or not; I hate it when working moms pretend to have it all completely together and perfect. I finally heard one working mom on the Today show this morning say, "I am not going to pretend that it works all the time, or that things are the way they should be or that we are balanced." I used to be one of those people who thought that it was possible. I really thought that I could go to law school, have a successful career and be a perfect, attentive mother too. I am glad that I had enough sense to put that dream on hold early on, but its still hard to feel like its ok to borrow money from the government while I stay at home -even though I know it will be. And let's face it-I refuse to put my child in daycare.
So that's why I was so excited when we started talking to a contact in California that I had worked with before. His name is Karim and I really enjoyed working with him through Pinnacle. He is setting up a brand new ADT dealership in Riverside and is interested in having me work from home...so far. I think I would really like that. Obviously, I can't make enough money alleviate the massive school debt issue, but it will be nice to maybe have a bit of a financial cushion. So I think I really hope this works out. I think....its still hard to think about a good chunk of my day being spent doing something else besides Eli stuff, especially since I'm pretty sure his "mother" Chelsea will not be coming to California. But I feel really good about this prospective job and the promises it holds, so hopefully we can iron out the details and make it work.