Tuesday, June 5, 2007

To work or not to work?

Wow. Look at those rapidly expanding cheeks. This was the day of our first outing to the pool and a great excuse to dress him up in too big swim shorts and this darling little safari hat (thanks again Susan.)

Adam and I went to meet with a financial aid advisor when we were in California last week. I guess I just assumed that we would calculate all of our expenses, work out a budget and then tell the university, or whoever it is that is going to lend us a bunch of money for the next four years (or more), how much we need and they would just give it to us! Well, those of you who know me may recognize in this presumption my tendency to often oversimplify. Its more like they tell us how much money we can have; and if we have a child and I want to stay home and raise him, then we may just have to become incredibly independently wealthy in the next eight weeks...anyway, needless to say, it is a little bit more complicated than I want it to be, and therefore makes feeling like I can stay at home with Eli not completely comfortable.
I have never closed the door on going back to work- and I think I would actually enjoy working part time. But two months has now gone by and I still feel like we are just getting to know each other and we aren't quite ready to have other things to attend to besides each other yet. I have read for months about moms who battle this ever present internal conflict about whether to work or not; I hate it when working moms pretend to have it all completely together and perfect. I finally heard one working mom on the Today show this morning say, "I am not going to pretend that it works all the time, or that things are the way they should be or that we are balanced." I used to be one of those people who thought that it was possible. I really thought that I could go to law school, have a successful career and be a perfect, attentive mother too. I am glad that I had enough sense to put that dream on hold early on, but its still hard to feel like its ok to borrow money from the government while I stay at home -even though I know it will be. And let's face it-I refuse to put my child in daycare.
So that's why I was so excited when we started talking to a contact in California that I had worked with before. His name is Karim and I really enjoyed working with him through Pinnacle. He is setting up a brand new ADT dealership in Riverside and is interested in having me work from home...so far. I think I would really like that. Obviously, I can't make enough money alleviate the massive school debt issue, but it will be nice to maybe have a bit of a financial cushion. So I think I really hope this works out. I think....its still hard to think about a good chunk of my day being spent doing something else besides Eli stuff, especially since I'm pretty sure his "mother" Chelsea will not be coming to California. But I feel really good about this prospective job and the promises it holds, so hopefully we can iron out the details and make it work.


Steele Family said...

Hey Ashley, this is mary. Chuntz gave me your blog address. Your little boys is adorable. That is really exciting that you guys are going to dental school. It is a really cool experience. I have a blog too... dallasandmary.blogspot.com
keep in touch!

Susan said...

Oh soo cool! I can't believe that Karim is setting up his own business. It's about time, because we stopped using him a little while ago. Anyways, I know what you mean. Aubry is going to be going to the JD/MBA program finally and he has to take courses for the GMAT and LSAT this summer to take the exams. Obviously he doesn't have a job yet and these courses cost $1,000+ and that's just not money we have right now. But i know that as we continue to put the Lord first He will continue to bless us in our endeavors. Continue to have faith and i know the Lord will continue to provide. I hope that it does work out with Karim because that will help give you some peace of mind (expecially if you can work from home, which was always the case at pinnacle if they'd let us). We miss you guys!!!

PS. I love the hat!!!!

Heather said...

Good luck with the job thing. I can see why you're having a dilemma about it. Money vs. motherhood. Not a fun position, but I know you'll do what's right!

{lizzythebotanist} said...

Hi Ashley-you don't know me, I'm Brittany Lewis's sister-in-law. I just want to share with you my feelings on this topic. Steve and I had our first kid (boy) in November. I am somewhat of a work-a-holic and went back to work 2 weeks or so after he was born. Not full time, but here and there. I have been lucky to have a job where I get salary and can make my own hours. Obviously this isn't typical, but despite that, I have a few points to make: 1. working and mommying can work together-you aren't a bad mommy if you have to work (or choose to). 2. i feel like the time i do have with nash is even better because my absense makes me miss him and i take full advantage of that time. it sucks that we can't all be independently wealthy and sit by the pool with our beautiful babies all day, but i think we (and our kids) are all the better for the effort we are making to better our lives. anyway, just my two cents. and here's one more thing: just be grateful that this is most likely a temporary state-lots of people have this dilemma and don't have an end in sight.