Thursday, January 28, 2010

Things

I don't know why I have been so absentee. I guess I am following the advice of Thumper: "If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all..." Although I don't know why I would be doing so now since I don't generally live by that creed anyway. Mostly, this pregnancy is not very fun. That is the most positive way I know how to put it. And while I can't wait to NOT be pregnant, have two boys, expand our family, solve the name issue, etc. etc. I find myself somewhat saddened by the impending loss of my status as a mom of one.


You all know that I am no particular fanatic fan of Disneyland. This is Eli and I enjoying Dumbo, and my wild animal in his cage on the Casey Junior train; incidentally, Jennifer Garner but in front of us in line for Peter Pan yesterday. Brat. Anyway, our passes expire on Feb 19th and I find myself somewhat sad...don't jump to any conclusions people. I think it has more to do with the fact that the timing coincides so closely with the birth of our second child, putting an end not only to MINE and ELI's ability to just buzz down to Disneyland and spend a few hours, but to do ANYTHING like that with relative ease. I mean, once you have two kids, it's like you are a real mom. And it's no longer just you and your little shadow, but TWO little shadows. For almost three years, it's just been Eli and me. (And Duane, but he kind of doesn't count....soon he really won't count.) Disneyland, for me, has represented mine and Eli's ability to improvise, to go with whatever the day presents, and to take off pretty easily if we wanted to. I am sad to lose that. And to lose the one on one time I have thus far been mandated to spend with my only child.

I know a lot of other things are going to change; for most of them, I am very excited. But I find myself a little bit sad that it's not just me and Eli during the day and not just the three of us when Adam is home and not just our easy little routine to which I have gotten so used. And I am not really sure how Eli will react. Ultimately, it's a net positive for a kid to have a sibling. But I nonetheless worry (frivolously, I know,) how the one that has been my sole focus for the last three years will react to NOT being the sole focus anymore. And it is just the tiniest bit sad. Mostly happy, but the tiniest bit sad.

Anyway, not much has been going on. I am mostly just trying to get through the days. Eli is doing a lot better since his potty power relapse, and for that I am grateful. I feel like my life paradigm has reversed from trying to maximize my calorie burning potential in a day to doing absolutely anything to avoid moving because it just hurts. I am not a good sedentary person (as you may or may not be able to tell from the somber tone of this post.) Life is not nearly enjoyable as a crippled invalid, it turns out. I am thankful that under normal circumstances, that I am a healthy, high functioning person. Here is to exercise and the ability to move freely-seven more weeks!

9 comments:

Britten & Chelsea Maughan said...

I remember contemplating and even mentioning this thought myself to you during the Christmas break. Of course it is what you want but I see where the tiniest bit of somber-ness comes from. Love you guys- can't wait to love the new number 2!

Jordan said...

Ash you are an amazing mom. I'm sure that must be rough. I think winters are especially blah, even for non-pregnant folks, so I'm sure you're ready to be done with the whole thing. You're so close! Can't wait to see him! Love you

Cambrie said...

I remember feeling the same way when going from 1 to 2 kids. there is a special bond you have with #1 and it make a person sad to think of it being disrupted. Hormones don't help I'm sure

Jen and Lance said...

I have been meaning to write you a little comment for way too long now that says CONGRATULATIONS on being pregnant! So excited for you. Can't wait to see you with another baby. You are a great mom. I'll know more how you're feeling when I get to the phase in my life, but if it helps, I have heard other mothers say the same thing. Must be natural. Love ya! Hope things are good.

Olivia said...

I felt the same way too. And it is a lot harder to go places. Only when number 2 arrives you'll also feel more like a family too. It is hard to explain, but things just feel more complete when you add another child. Your first child has a sibling, you're a "real mom", etc. Good luck with the transition. You will do great and you have had 3 good years with Eli. I am so excited for my new little nephew to arrive and get a name!

3WimmerBoys said...

I haven't blogged in so long, I miss reading up on you. I so relate to feeling a little sad about moving past being a mom of one. You can never go back to those days. However, I must say once I had two I realized it is SO much better than having only one kid. I don't know what it is, but honestly it's easier to have a buddy around for them. Eli is going to love it, and so are you! I miss you!

Alisa said...

I know i feel the same way! i still have a while before the baby comes but i am trying to soak up every sec with stella because its just not going to be the same with the 2 kiddos! I am jealous Stella asks every day if she can go back to disneyland.

Susan said...

having 2 is bitter sweet...but mostly a big challenge!when william naps i have savanna and me time.

Christine Segura said...

Ashley! I don't know how I stumbled from my blog to yours but I hope you don't mind me taking a peek once in a while. I am actually using Carol Burr as my decorator right now! We have spent hours going to stores and she picked the best paint color for my new house. She is such a sweet and talented lady! I told her I knew you in California. Anyway I totally know how you feel about going from one kid to two. It is emotional and tugs at your heart strings. Don't feel bad about feeling that way, it is so natural. It is weird to hear you talk about Loma Linda (in your blog). That place just seems like a dream to me. I have only been gone for 7 months but it feels like so much longer. Maybe I have just blocked it out? :) No, it was good times. I am so happy for you, just get through these last months and you did it! Keep in touch. Sorry for the novel comment.