Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Letters

Dear ants who have been invading my house:
Please stop. Take your colony elsewhere. I have literally put everything sweet from my pantry into my fridge. There is nothing left for you here. Move on. And to somewhere else besides my garage, please. Duane's food is also off limits. I am now holding you personally responsible for the theft of my Ipod.

Dear Thief:
Bring it back please. It was the fault of the aforementioned ants that the garage was left open all night; because of their intrusion into Duane's food, we had moved the fifty pound bag outside so that we could attack the colony without poisoning the dog's food. Unfortunately, we neglected to bring it back in and close the garage. And I realize that it was fairly stupid for us to leave the windows to our car rolled down, with the Ipod inside. But come on. Just give it back.

PS
I suppose I should thank you for not stealing our car, since the keys were in the ignition. And for not taking the motorcycle. Also, for not coming into my house through the unlocked garage door and stealing mine or my husband's wallet which was sitting right inside the kitchen. All right, fine. Keep the Ipod. Just don't ever come into my garage again since we are apparently incapable of securing our belongings. And just so you know, Mr. or Mrs. Ipod thief, Adam sleeps with a machete under his pillow and we have a fierce wiener dog who does not take too kindly to strangers. Just in case you were thinking of returning.

11 comments:

Whitney said...

Oh Ash, I seriously love you! I love reading everything you write about. It was good talking to you the other day I hope all is well with you and the fam:) And I hope you guys start closing your garage at night...

Ali Seaman said...

Sad! Sounds like you were lucky, in a way, though. I hate ants. Guess I'm not the only one with the problem. Someone told me cornmeal makes them explode. Might be worth a try...

lauren said...

sorry about the ipod... and the ants for that matter. who knew such little creatures could be so annoying? thanks for writing about it in a way that is thoroughly sardonic and thoroughly you. because i miss you.

i'm just happy to read two posts from you in the same week.

Blogdor said...

I can't wait to finally use my machete.

Benji said...

Too bad the thief didn't steal the ants. Oh well, at least Adam has an endless supply of machete targets. Someday when he's the world-champion machete guy he can credit his success to the Great Ant Slaughter of '08.

Susan said...

Oh toto, I guess we're not in Utah any more.

That sucks though. Try cinnamon, it suffocates them (true) or grits. They eat it, causing them to blow up when it rains.

Good luck with those. I hate ants too. I'll have to deal with Fire ants pretty soon in Texas.

Heather said...

Wow. You're lucky you still have a car, and a motorcycle, and a baby, and a home, and a husband, and a life. Not that you live in a scary neighborhood, but that's scary! Are they really that big of a problem? How about some ant spray?

Heather said...

Wow. You're lucky you still have a car, and a motorcycle, and a baby, and a home, and a husband, and a life. Not that you live in a scary neighborhood, but that's scary! Are they really that big of a problem? How about some ant spray?

Benjamin J Burr said...

Heather,

They found out that it was actually E.T. that stole the ipod. He thought it was an iphone - so he could phone home.

Chelsea said...

I'm sorry my blog makes you homesick-I will try to write less about sentimental things and more about hard-core issues and drama. Speaking of...does your comment on Lalli's blog mean you are not voting?

Drew said...

Hey guys! Hope you are doing well. I totally hear ya on the thief thing. My golf club were stolen a few weeks back and I was on suicide watch. Anyways, hope you are well.