Dear ants who have been invading my house:
Please stop. Take your colony elsewhere. I have literally put everything sweet from my pantry into my fridge. There is nothing left for you here. Move on. And to somewhere else besides my garage, please. Duane's food is also off limits. I am now holding you personally responsible for the theft of my Ipod.
Bring it back please. It was the fault of the aforementioned ants that the garage was left open all night; because of their intrusion into Duane's food, we had moved the fifty pound bag outside so that we could attack the colony without poisoning the dog's food. Unfortunately, we neglected to bring it back in and close the garage. And I realize that it was fairly stupid for us to leave the windows to our car rolled down, with the Ipod inside. But come on. Just give it back.
I suppose I should thank you for not stealing our car, since the keys were in the ignition. And for not taking the motorcycle. Also, for not coming into my house through the unlocked garage door and stealing mine or my husband's wallet which was sitting right inside the kitchen. All right, fine. Keep the Ipod. Just don't ever come into my garage again since we are apparently incapable of securing our belongings. And just so you know, Mr. or Mrs. Ipod thief, Adam sleeps with a machete under his pillow and we have a fierce wiener dog who does not take too kindly to strangers. Just in case you were thinking of returning.