Saturday, December 8, 2007
Blogdor the Bloginator and its Presidential Predictions
Blogdor is Ashley's devil-on-shoulder, her Id, her blogbido, if you will. Blogdor the Bloginator, in its grand entry into the blogosphere, will tell you all what Ashley is really thinking. And who knows, you might find that you have all been unknowingly bloginated.
Presidential candidate, shmresidential shmandidate. Who cares! Blogdor doesn't. Why? Because they have already been chosen. It's all in the last name. It doesn't matter what the platforms are, and who has a better health insurance plan, and who is going to let more legally illegal undocumented migrant hard working lazy felon angel anchor dropping alien immigrant hispanic-meso-northish-sometimes-central american (If you believe Vespucci even really made a map of a new world discovered by a Christopher Columbus. You idiot it was discovered by the Vikings, Global Warming is my mom, free love for anything and everything, liberal hippy tree hugger awesomosity!)homo sapien human translocatee than the next guy. (P.S. Blogdor is unbounded by grammatical weaknesses.) Nope! It's all about who has the most presidential last name. Bush, Clinton, Reagan, Kennedy, Carter, Nixon, Harding, Wilson, Monroe, Madison, Lincoln...need I say more. They all had really good, solid last names. What about Eisenhower and Roosevelt!? you may ask. Well, they were elected when people named Elmer, Doris, Gretchen, and Wilford voted. So cut them some slack. This means that in the future we may get a DuRayel Johnstoniux, but not for 10 or 15 more years. By and large, Presidents have great last names. So lets see.
On the republican side we have Rudy Guliani. Julia Gulia?!? enough said. Mike Huckabee. "And now Hanna-Barbera presents the President of the United States of America, Mike Huckelberry Hound, er, uh, Huckabee." Didn't Huckabee write an apocryphal gospel? And, I think Huckabee is a swear word in Japan. Cameron told me so. Not to mention if you change one letter its a really bad word in English. John McCain. No thanks, I wasn't born in Scotland, or Ireland or any other McCountry that might McMake up prefixes for their McSurnames. How about Duncan Hunter. Little known Duncan Hunter. Hunter? Yeah, he'll be the nominee. I mean, with a name like Hunter. How does "I'll 'Hunt' your terrorist ass right into that cave and rip you out like a helpless field mouse" sound for a campaign slogan! He's got my vote. Ron Paul. Hey, he has two first names. Which one is it Mr. Ron, or Mr. Paul, or Mr. RonPaul. President RonPaul what do you think about Iran's Revolutionary Guard blowing up our soldiers? Oh yeah, you can't make up your mind about anything, not even your first and/or last name! And Tom Tancredo. Jumpin' Jehosaphat and tell Toledo that Tom Tancredo is getting vetoed, from my list anyway. Mitt Romney. Well, the last name works. My qualm is with his first name. George, Bill, John, Richard. Now those are some good names. Mitt? Baseball mitt. Oven mitt? Is that short for Mittany, or Emmitt. Did I make a mittstake? No, sadly it's just Mitt. Down the drain for Mitt.
And now on to those wacky Democrats. Joe Biden. Senator Biden has a nice ring to it. President Biden. President Bin Laden? I mean, it's two letters, but it's close enough that he can't win. Moving on to good old Rodzilla. Here is where my machismo kicks in. A) she's a chick. People say in CNN polls that say 74% say they "Would love to have a female president more than a female mother (+/- 74% margin of error)." B) Well, they're all liars. In the secret catacombs of the voting booth, no one will vote for a chick. Especially not Rodzilla. She's like a chick-dude wannabe. But her last name is pretty good. Chris Dodd. Nope, it's too short, and it's not a noun (especially not one with such biblical references like a burning Bush). John Edwards. Yep. That's it. He'll be the Democratic Nominee. You just can't beat his name. But wait, what about Mike Gravel. Who the heck is Mike Gravel? Does he realize his last name is a synonym with a smattering of tiny rocks. And where did that last name come from? The 15th century gravelsmith? Please. Barack Hussein Obama. Sadly when we all hear this name we think of bIraq Sadam Hussein nuclear oBomba. It's not your color homey, it's your unfortunate name. And last but not least. Dennis Kucinich. Who do we all think of when we hear that name. That's right, Dennis the Menace, cooking spinach in the kitchen. With a little tangential thievery, he should steal other closely associated names to his such as Mr. Wilson, and Popeye. President Popeye Wilson. Now that sounds like a winner.
Alright, Superego is telling me to quit while I'm ahead. Duncan Hunter '08.